A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor informed them that he had invented a revolutionary new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out and they were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the knob to ten percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before in his whole life. But, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up several notches. The doctor then adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this, they decided to try for fifty percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him. The wife then delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all, and both she and her husband were absolutely ecstatic.

However, when they reached home, they found the milkman dead on their front porch.

BILL'S NIGHTMARE - A CALL FROM HILLARY

Hillary went in for her yearly check-up. When she was finished, she asked her gynaecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape but that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor that there was no way, but he insisted that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the room, went straight to the receptionist, took the phone and called the White House.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. She was put through to the oval office and Bill answered.

Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you've done you lousy jerk - You've got me pregnant !

The President remained silent.

Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU ######## GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU'VE GOT ME PREGNANT !"

Finally Bill answered - "Who IS this ?".

In desperation, the mother of a four-year-old girl said, "If you keep sucking your thumb, you're going to blow up like a balloon!"

The next day the mother and her daughter attended a small social gathering. Among those present was a woman who was obviously pregnant.

The little girl spotted her and couldn't contain herself. She walked up to the expectant mother and said, "I know what you've been doing!"

Published in the births column of a certain local newspaper:

"Gooderson - Amanda and Brian are delighted to announce the arrival of all seven and three quarter pounds of Christopher, a brother for Karen. Brian is also announcing the imminent arrival of mother-in-law, weighing in at rather more, but intending to stay for just as long."

Because of a medical condition, I have to take antibiotics before having dental treatment. When my husband and I wanted to start a family, I decided to cancel my dental appointment to avoid any risk that the medication might pose for an unborn child.

About five weeks later, the dentist's receptionist telephoned me to ask if I would like to make another appointment. Unsure of how to tell her my reason for not coming in, I rather timidly explained, "Well, you see, I'm trying to get pregnant and ----"

"Oh, I'm so sorry Mrs Gooderson!" she interrupted. "I'll call back in a few hours time."

One day, following the completion of one of his male patient's annual physicals, the doctor came out and said to the man, "Well, you've had a good check-up and you're obviously in great shape. Is there anything that you'd like to talk to me about, or to ask me?"

"Well" replied the man, "I have been thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision" said the doctor, "Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Oh Yes", said the man "and they're in favour 17 to 1!"

We are all born naked, wet, and hungry. - Then things get worse!