MARRIAGE HUMOUR
 
 

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
 

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
 

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
 

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
 

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
 

Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
 

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
 

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.
 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
 

Any married man should forget his mistakes - it's no use two people remembering the same thing.
 

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. - They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
 

Have you heard about the latest doll on the market? - Its called "Divorce Barbie" and it comes with all Ken's belongings.
 

Ever noticed that when women delay getting married, we call it "independence", but when men do, it's called "fear of commitment"?
 

Do you realise that if Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster?
 

If you want your wife to listen and to pay undivided attention to every word you say, all you need to do is talk in your sleep.
 

* * * * *
 

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home........ please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset........Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama........words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
 

* * * * *
 

Once there was a billionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The billionaire also had a daughter who was still single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars and my daughter's hand in marriage to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could. There was uproar, with the crowd cheering him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was greatly impressed. He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain...I suppose that you'll want to take my daughter and the one million dollars now?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your dam money! And I don't want to marry your daughter! But I do want the swine who pushed me into that water!"
 

* * * * *
 

A man came home from a rather bad day at work, looking forward to being able to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their separate beds. However the man, not yet ready to slumber, called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm feeling a bit lonely." So the woman got out of her bed and crossed the room to her husband.

Unfortunately, on the way she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face. The husband, with a very concerned look on his face, said "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she is returning to her own bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch!"
 

* * * * *
 

  • All wives are alike, but they have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
  • Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
  • Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
  • Our last argument was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  • Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
 

* * * * *
 

Working as a volunteer at my local branch of Relate, the marriage guidance and conciliation service, I was having great difficulty in trying to mediate between a young couple who had evidently not been married for very long.

The woman was constantly grumbling about her husband's apparent lack of commitment to their marriage. In attempting to make her point that commitment is a natural phenomenon in life, she cited the example of the penguin, saying that everybody knows that they mate for life.

At this, the husband retorted "That doesn't surprise me much because they all look the same. It's hardly likely that he's ever going to meet a better-looking penguin someday is it?"
 

* * * * *
 

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they are stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the U.S.A., all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
 

* * * * *
 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" he enquired.

"Easy," replied the little boy, "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."
 

* * * * *
 

[Various]
 

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