DEATH HUMOUR

 
 
 

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.

"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."

"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.

"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but upon my soul, Michael Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

 

* * * * *

 

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She thinks that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets run over and killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

 

* * * * *

 

A golfer and his mates were playing a big round of golf for £200 a round. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his mates said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, just to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer nonchalantly, "we were married for 25 years."

 

* * * * *

 

A lawyer was on his deathbed when he called out for his wife.

She rushed in saying, "What's the matter?"

He told her to run and get the bible as quickly as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favourite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages; his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was mystified. "Whatever are you doing darling?" she asked.

"I'm looking for loopholes of course!" he shouted angrily.

 

* * * * *

 

On the opening of his new shop, the proprietor received a large bouquet of flowers, but was somewhat disgruntled when he read the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

Whilst puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was a rather worried florist, apologising for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's quite all right," said the shopkeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the shopkeeper. "Congratulations on your new location" was the dismayed reply.

 

* * * * *

 

In a murder trial, the council for the defence was cross-examining a pathologist as follows:

Lawyer: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Pathologist: No.

Lawyer: Well, Did you listen to the heart?

Pathologist: No.

Lawyer: Then did you at least check for breathing?

Pathologist: No.

Lawyer: So, it must be obvious to everyone in this court who has a modicum of intelligence that when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was actually dead, were you?

Pathologist: Well, let me put it this way - The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I suppose that I should concede the possibility that he could still have been out there practising law somewhere.

 

* * * * *

 

The following report was apparently published in an Irish evening newspaper:

The worst air disaster in Irish history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 aeroplane, piloted by two Irish students, crashed into a Dublin cemetery early this afternoon. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and co-pilot survived and are helping in the search.

 

* * * * *

 

The receptionist at the Inland Revenue office answered the phone the morning after the department's senior officer had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Gooderson there?" asked the caller on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Gooderson passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Gooderson there?" repeated the caller.

The receptionist was somewhat perplexed and so replied, "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Gooderson passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Gooderson there?" asked the caller again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Gooderson is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the caller sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

 

* * * * *

 

An old Irish proverb:

"May you be at the gates of heaven an hour before the devil knows that you are dead."

 

* * * * *

 
 

Last night as I lay sleeping

 

I died or so it seemed

 

Then I went to heaven

 

But only in my dreams

   
 

But then St Peter met me

 

There at the pearly gates

 

He said, "I must check your record,

 

Please stand here and wait"

   
 

He turned and said "Your record

 

Is covered with terrible flaws

 

On earth I see you laboured

 

For every losing cause

   
 

I see you drank alcohol

 

And used smokes and drugs too

 

Fact is youíve done everything

 

A good man should never do

   
 

We canít have men like you up here

 

Your life is full of sin"

 

Then he read the last of my record

 

Grasped my hand and said "Come in"

   
 

He took me up to the big boss and said

 

"Take him in and treat him well

 

he used to search for ancestors

 

Heís done his time in hell"

 

* * * * *

 

WE HAVE LIFT-OFF!

When still a young man, Uncle Harvey was told he would live a long life by adding a little gunpowder to his breakfast every morning. So every morning for the rest of his life he sprinkled some gunpowder on his morning eggs or corn flakes.

The formula seems to have worked as Uncle Harvey lived to be 106 years old. At his death he left four children, 26 grandchildren, 58 great-grandchildren, 12 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

* * * * *

 

[Various]

 
 

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