A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Glasgow," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Glasgow too! Let's have another round to Glasgow."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious the first asks: "Whereabouts in Glasgow?"

"The Gorballs," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to The Gorballs!"

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Bentley Street Secondary", replies the first man, "I left in 1962."

"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in unison.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender, "The Gooderson twins are drunk again."


* * * * *


Out walking one day, I met a woman with a twin pushchair in which there were two beautiful babies. I asked whether they were girls or boys.

She told me that one was a boy, the other a girl.

"Aren't you lucky!" I exclaimed.

"I certainly am," she replied, "They belong to my sister."


* * * * *


At a wedding reception, my husband and I were talking to a young man whose name neither of us could remember.

Another couple we knew joined us and after the young man left, we apologised for not having introduced him.

"That's all right," they said. "He's our son."


* * * * *


When guests stay too long, try treating them like members of the family. If they don't leave then, they never will.


* * * * *


In the library I overheard a very elderly man enquiring about the quickest way that he might trace his relatives, in order to start a family tree.

The librarian replied, "Win the lottery!"


* * * * *


At the end of his talk on the subject of the terms used in progenitor tables, a genealogist was asked by a member of the audience if a term existed to describe the sometimes unseverable tie between eldest child and parent.

"Yes," replied the genealogist after a few moments reflection, "purse string."


* * * * *


When a young woman brought her fiancée home to meet her parents, her father asked the man into his study for a chat. "So, what are your plans?" he began.

"I'm a theology scholar," the fiancée replied.

"Admirable," the father said, "but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?"

"I will study and God will provide," he explained.

"And how will you afford to raise children?"

"God will provide."

The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?"

"He has no money or career plans," the father said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."


* * * * *


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," exclaimed the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The old man calmly replied, "Why should I? - I've been married to your sister for 48 years!"


* * * * *




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