Inscription on a hypochondriac's headstone: "I kept telling everyone that I wasn't well".




Inscription on the tombstone of a lawyer: "The prosecution Rests."




In a Surrey cemetery the gravestone of a local auctioneer features a finely carved gavel raised in the "going, going" position. Beneath is the inscription, "Gone to the Highest Bidder".




From a tombstone at Ruidoso's cemetery in New Mexico: "Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me for not rising."




Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:


"Here lies the body


of Jonathan Blake


stepped on the gas


Instead of the brake"




A Wild West inscription in Silver City, Nevada:


"Here lays Butch


we planted him raw.


He was quick on the trigger,


but slow on the draw."




On the grave of Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:


"Born 1903 - Died 1942


Looked up the elevator shaft


to see if the car was on the


way down. - It was."




On Margaret Daniels's grave in Richmond, Virginia:

"She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her."




From an epitaph dated 1744 at Bushey in Herefordshire:


"Here lies a poor woman who was always tired,


She lived in a house where the help wasn't hired:


Her last words on earth were: Dear friends, I am going,


To where there's no cooking, or washing or sewing,


For everything there is exact to my wishes,


For where they don't eat there's no washing of dishes.


I'll be where loud anthems will always be ringing,


But having no voice I'll be quit of the singing.


Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never,


I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever".




Seen on an old gravestone in Lincolnshire:


Here lies the body of Mary Jones


Who died through eating cherry stones


Her name was Mary Smith not Mary Jones


But Smith don't rhyme with cherry stones




A sexton undertook a project to map all of the graves in the churchyard and to create a complete record of the individuals buried there. After years of work and research he had identified all of the stones but one. The stone, flat on the ground and directly behind the old church, bore only the initials C.W.M. The sexton dug through every church record and could find no mention of anyone with those initials.

One day the plumber was working on the old water pipes in the church and chatting with the sexton who proceeded to tell him with pride about his project and added that he was greatly troubled by the fact that one stone remained unidentified. The plumber asked which stone that might be and the sexton pointed out the flat stone.

The plumber just smiled and replied that he could easily solve that particular mystery because he had placed the stone there himself. It transpired that the letters C.W.M. were meant to mark the exact location of the Cold Water Main.




Did you hear about the genealogist whose ancestors were buried in a remote coastal cemetery in West Wales?

Every time he visited the cemetery, he was dismayed to find that numerous birds had left their calling cards on the headstones. Eventually, the problem became so bad that the genealogist hit upon the idea of telling the local children that he would pay them to drive birds off of the gravestones with their catapults.

The moral of the story? - A good genealogist leaves no tern unstoned!




Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come and have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave. God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87".

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just as he was leaving the graveyard Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!

"What was his name?" says Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."




A Yorkshireman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone.

A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin."

Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read:

"EE, She was Thin"






Back to the Humour Menu