Woman to her husband: "According to this letter from the Goodersons, they've bought a new computer with seven different genealogy programmes pre-installed. Then they've spent three weeks in Vancouver, Canada, looking through records at the City Records Office, five weeks in the USA, at the Granite Mountain in Salt Lake City, and five weeks in debt counselling."

* * *

My elderly aunt recently decided that she would arrange a pre-paid funeral for herself, using one of the rapidly growing number of companies that now advertise this facility. However, she was rather shocked to discover the high prices that the company was charging for their marble headstones. Upon remarking that she thought the cost rather high, the funeral company's new salesman agreed, but advised her that if she bought it now, a good quality headstone would almost certainly last her for life.

* * *

A man walked into a dental surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.

"Eighty pounds," the dentist answered.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."

"That's still too expensive," replied the man.

"Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging £20."

"Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," muttered the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my new students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just £10."

"Marvellous," exclaimed the man, "book in my wife for next Tuesday!"

* * *

When a water pipe burst in our local doctor's loft, he had to call out an emergency plumber.

Presented with the bill, he complained, "That's more than double what I'm paid for making night-time private visits."

"Terrible, isn't it?" agreed the plumber. "That's why I gave up general practice."

* * *

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $200 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $200 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

* * *