COMPUTERS

 

*******

 

Computer terminology translated:

   

"State-of-the-art"

any computer that you can't afford.

"Obsolete"

any computer that you own.

"Microsecond"

the amount of time it takes for your computer to become obsolete.

"Enhanced Program"

any software for which the price has recently been raised.

"Simple to use"

any software requiring degrees in both microelectronics and logistics.

"High speed printer"

any printer which takes less than a day to print a whole page.

"Widely used"

anything used by Bill Gates.

"World Standard"

anything that only works in the U.S.A.

"Preferred Application"

any software on which the salesman gets a commission.

 

*******

 

A computer salesman telephoned one of his customers. "Hello, Mr Gooderson," he said, "I'm calling because you've had your new computer for more than a year now and, looking at my files, I see that you haven't made any of your payments yet."

The rather disgruntled genealogist replied, "But you said it would pay for itself in 12 months".

 

*******

 

I know of a vicar who uses a standard liturgy for funerals. In order to personalise each service; he enters a "find and replace" command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the forthcoming one. Not long ago, the vicar accordingly told the computer to find the name "Mary" and to replace it with "Edna". The next morning, the funeral was proceeding smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles' Creed. "Jesus Christ," they read from the pre-printed programme, "born of the Virgin Edna......"

 

*******

 

God decided that the easiest way to complete his family tree would be for him to end the world, so he called together those he considered as being the three most influential people on earth: President Bush, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates. "The World will end," God told them. "You must go and tell the people."

President Bush made a live statement on television. "I have good news and I have bad news," he said. "The good news is that we have always been right, God definitely exists. The bad news is that he is ending the world."

Castro sent out a worldwide message to all communists. "I have bad news and worse news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."

Bill Gates switched on his computer and sent out a worldwide e-mail. "I have good news and I have better news," he wrote. "The good news is that God thinks that I'm one of the three most influential people on earth. The better news is that we don't need to upgrade Windows XP."

 

*******

 

You'll realise that it's time to join "E-mailers Anonymous" when....

   
 

You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

 

You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

 

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap . . . and your child in the overhead compartment.

 

You decide to stay on in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

 

You find yourself typing "com" after every full stop, when using a word processor.com

 

You can't call your mother . . . she doesn't have a modem.

 

You check your mail and it says "no new messages" - so you check it again.

 

You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

 

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 

After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.

 

*******

 

You'll know that you have turned into a computer nerd ......

 

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tyres.

 

If you have a functioning scanner, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

 

If you have more toys than your kids.

 

If you need a checklist to turn on the Video.

 

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

 

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

 

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

 

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.

 

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

 

If you have memorised the programme schedule for the Discovery channel's computer shows and have seen most of them already.

 

*******

 

Having just received an e-mail enquiry from a fellow genealogist who had recently joined the Green Party, I was rather amused to see that there was a footnote to his message, which read: "No wasted paper. This e-mail is made from 100% recycled electrons".

 

*******

 

Computer sales literature translated:

 
 

"NEW" - Different colour from the previous model.

 

"ALL NEW" - Parts are not interchangeable with the previous design.

 

"EXCLUSIVE" – Imported product.

 

"UNMATCHED" – Almost as good as the competition.

 

"FOOLPROOF OPERATION" - No provision for adjustments.

 

"ADVANCED DESIGN" - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

 

"IT'S HERE AT LAST" - Rush job. (Nobody knew it was coming).

 

"FIELD TESTED" - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

 

"HIGH ACCURACY" - Unit on which nearly all parts fit.

 

"FUTURISTIC" – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

 

"REDESIGNED" – Previous flaws sorted out - we hope.

 

"DIRECT SALES ONLY" - The factory had a big argument with the distributor.

 

"YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT" - We finally got one to work.

 

"BREAKTHROUGH" - We finally worked out a use for it.

 

"MAINTENANCE FREE" - Impossible to repair.

 

"MEETS ALL STANDARDS" - Ours, not yours.

 

"SOLID-STATE" – It weighs a ton.

 

"HIGH RELIABILITY" - We made one work long enough to despatch it.

 

*******

 

IS THIS A PROGRAMMER'S IDEA OF HUMOUR?

 

It says: "Press Any Key"

It means: "Press any key you like, but I'm not moving."

 

It says: "Press A Key"

(This one is definitely a programmer’s joke since nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

 

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error number 1AQ254-651-8094427-2430E"

It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 20 minutes, at a cost of £1-50 per minute, only to be told that it's actually a hardware problem."

 

It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."

It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

 

It says: "Please insert disk 11"

It means: "Because I know dammed well there are only 10 disks."

 

It says: "Cannot read from drive D...."

It means: "... However, if you put the CD back in the right way up..."

 

It says: "Please wait...."

It means: "... Indefinitely."

 

It says: "Directory does not exist...."

It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

 

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."

It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not going to get your work back."

 

*******

 

FEMALE HUMOUR

 

Question: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Answer: Rename your mail folder "Instruction Manual".

 

*******

 

ERROR MESSAGES

 

"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."

"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."

"COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key."

"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."

"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"

"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."

"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"

"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."

"Hit any user to continue."

"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."

"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."

"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."

"Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector."

"Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."

*******

 

THE SPELLING CHEQUER (or "poet tree without mist takes")

 

Eye have a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marks four my revue

Miss steaks eye cannot see

Each thyme when I have struct the quays

Eye weight four it two say

If watt eye rote is wrong or rite

It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore too late

And eye can put the error rite

Eye really fined it grate

I’ve run this poem threw it

I’m sure your policed to no

It’s letter perfect in its weigh

My chequer tolled me sew

*******

 

[Various]

 

Back to the Humour Menu