I have good news for you. The first 80 years are the hardest. The second 80 are a succession of birthday parties. Once you reach 80, everyone wants to carry your baggage and help you up the steps. If you forgot your name or anybody else's name, or an appointment, or your own telephone number, or promise to be three places at one time, or can't remember how many grandchildren you have, you only need to explain that you are 80.

Being 80 is better than being 70 because at 70 people are mad at you for everything. At 80 you have a perfect excuse no matter what you do. If you act foolishly, it is your second childhood. Everybody is looking for symptoms of softening of the brain. Being 70, they expect you to be retiring to a house in Florida and complain about your arthritis [they used to call it lumbago] and you ask everybody to stop mumbling because you can't understand them. [Actually your hearing is about 50% gone.] If you survive until you are 80, everybody is surprised that you are still alive. They treat you with respect just for having lived so long. Actually they seem surprised that you can walk and talk sensibly.

So please folks try to make it to 80. It's the best time of your life. People forgive you for anything. If you ask me, life begins at 80.

*******

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with a big bust.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with a big bust, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen who cried all the time and often threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I just couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with almost everyone that she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, very ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and soon we were married. However, she was so ambitious that she divorced me and took absolutely everything that I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with a big bust.

*******

Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed the third veteran, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Why - whatever did he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old!"

*******

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."

The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, " I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living-room his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?"

The old man looked at her and replied, " I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

*******

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

*******

The other week, when I turned 40, I didn't need to check a birth certificate to confirm the event. In the preceding weeks, I'd already clocked up 40 reasons to know that I'd turned "The Big Four-O":

1. I find myself no longer thinking about sex all the time, only once every 12.7 seconds.
2. I start buying lite milk.
3. When choosing a film, I base the decision not on the director, the star or the writer, but on whether the new cinema has particularly comfortable seats.
4. For the first time since I was five years old, my age and trouser size have become similar.
5. That new spokeswoman for the National Pensioners' Convention looks attractive.
6. I catch myself using the phrase "young people today".
7. I have a long discussion with friends about their new kitchen worktops.
8. I admire a friend's garden and discover that I have "The Knowledge": the hedge on the left is box and the one on the right is beech.
9. I change to lite cheese.
10. I ring a company and order a kitchen worktop brochure.
11. I notice that the music on the easy-listening station has improved. They're now playing what I judge to be "really up-to-date music".
12. So are the Musak people.
13. I start buying lite biscuits.
14. I stop tucking in my shirts, letting them hang out in the hope that someone might mistake "The Belly" for a chance billow of fabric.
15. The brochure on worktops arrives and I take it to bed instead of a novel.
16. I start buying lite jam.
17. I have finally forgotten everything I learned at school, except for the adiabatic lapse rate (3.3 degrees per 1.000 feet) and the fact that boys with red hair make dirty fighters.
18. I realise that in the past month I've painted four separate items in magnolia.
19. I discover that the insolent youngster hanging around the doctor's surgery is in fact the doctor.
20. And he wants to do what?
21. I buy a book about garden compost.
22. Passing thought: I must get a file together so I can keep guarantees and receipts all in one place.
23. I get upset if I miss the start of the early morning news bulletin.
24. I am annoyed when people say "disinterested" when they mean "uninterested".
25. Watching a film, the villain is cleaning up after a murder. I wonder what the worktops are made of, as they appear to wipe clean easily.
26. My 11-year-old son beats me at tennis.
27. I find myself unable to understand films in which the villain and the hero have the same colour of hair and blame the casting director for allowing such an unfair imposition on the viewers.
28. I approach heavy lifting round the house with a sense not of how much I have to prove, but how much I have to lose.
29. I become more patient.
30. ......and, more often, a patient.
31. I buy lite ice cream.
32. I am alarmed to discover that someone has decided to print the instructions on the Panadol packet in a smaller type.
33. The worktop company rings and I choose the second-cheapest product, rather than the cheapest.
34. I preface political arguments by saying, "I think there's a lot of truth in what you're saying", and actually mean it.
35. I buy lite sausages.
36. A game of football with my son leaves me unable to walk until at least the next World Cup.
37. I describe a 60-year-old friend as "middle-aged".
38. For the first time, my annual dentistry bill exceeds my combined spending on clothes and CDs.
39. The worktops arrive, together with a "care" booklet. I take it to bed to read, but fall asleep during the first page.
40. I consider having a birthday bash, but decide on something more ambitious. Like staying awake to the end of the Friday night police mystery on television. Just once, I'd like to find out who-done-it.

*******