Have you ever noticed how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a business trip just after a big storm had started, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom at about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mum when the storm was bad, but that when I was expected home, they shouldn't sleep with Mum that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of others who were waiting for the arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport suddenly became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could work out exactly who his Mum was.

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• Having children will turn you into your parents.

• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

• A child will not spill anything on a dirty floor.

• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

• For adult education, nothing beats children.

• Familiarity breeds children.

• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

• Those who say they 'sleep like a baby' haven't got one.

• You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you thought you had.

• If you have any trouble getting your children's attention, just try sitting down and looking quite comfortable.

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A many times divorced woman went into a Social Security Office to make a benefit claim for her seven children. The Social Security Officer explained to her that she would need to fill in a form, listing each of her children on a separate line. She agreed and took the relevant form away with her.

The next day, she returned with the form, each line of which had been filled in. The Social Security Officer took one look at the form and said in a rather puzzled way "Madam, I don't think that you have quite understood what I told you yesterday. You must enter each of your children's names on a different line."

"But I have!" She responded indignantly.

"Madam", said the social security officer, "you have entered the name Kim on every line."

"Yes, that's right" she said, "All my children have the same Christian name."

"Well, whatever do you do when you want to call them for dinner?" he queried.

"I just yell 'Kim!' out the window and the all come in." she said.

"Ah, but what do you do if you only want one of them?" he asked.

"That's simple" she replied, "I just call out the Surname of the one that I want."

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Driving along a road with my nine-year-old son, I told him about a car accident that I'd once had on that very same stretch of the road.

"What did you have to do afterwards?" he enquired.

I told him that I'd exchanged names with the other driver for insurance purposes, because the law requires it.

He looked at me for several moments and then, with a very puzzled expression on his face, he asked "So what are you called now?"

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We have two rather boisterous football-mad young sons who are everlastingly managing to break ornaments and other items in our house, the latest being a cut-glass vase that we were given as a wedding present.

"We really must buy some super-glue" I remarked to my wife as I picked up the pieces.

"Good idea," she replied. "If we stick their feet to the floor, at least they won't be able to break anything else"

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A child custody case was being held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and so couldn't decide to whom he should grant full custody. After much deliberation, he concluded that the child should be allowed to make his own choice and so he asked the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." was the reply.

"Why not?" enquired the judge.

"Because she beats me." explained the boy.

At this the judge said, "Okay, then you'll go to live with your father."

"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too!"

Dumbfounded, the judge asked, "Okay, so who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the England Cricket Team." answered the boy.

"But why?" asked the judge.

"Because I heard my teacher say that they never beat anybody." retorted the boy.

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