NATIONALITIES

 
 

CANADIAN

 

  1. Only in Canada... can you get a pizza faster to your house than an ambulance.
  2. Only in Canada... are there handicap-parking spaces in front of a skating rink.
  3. Only in Canada... do the drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions and let the healthy people buy their cigarettes at the front.
  4. Only in Canada... do people order cheeseburgers, large fries and diet coke.
  5. Only in Canada... do the banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
  6. Only in Canada... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and useless junk in the garage.
  7. Only in Canada... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then use call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  8. Only in Canada... do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
  9. Only in Canada... do we use the word "politics" to describe the word so well, "poli" on Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
  10. Only in Canada... do they make drive-through A.T.M. machines with Braille lettering.
 

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Canadian Funnies:

You know you're from Canada when:

  1. You only know 3 spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
  2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
  4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
  5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
  6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
  7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is 1 meter above the ground.
  8. You've taken your kids trick or treating in a blizzard.
  9. Driving in winter is better because potholes are filled with snow.
  10. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only 8 buttons.
  11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
  12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages but requires 6 for hockey.
  13. At least 2 times a year your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
  15. Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.
  16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
  17. You head south to go to your cottage.
  18. You frequently clean the grease off of your B.B.Q. so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
  19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it is sausage making.
  21. You find - 40 C a little chilly.
  22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
  23. You can play road hockey on skates.
  24. You know 4 seasons, Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
  25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
  26. You understand the Labatt Blues commercials.
  27. You perk up when you hear the theme "Hockey Night in Canada".
  28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

 

 

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MULTINATIONAL

 

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people is stranded:

 

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

 

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man in order to get the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage-a-trois".

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The Irish began by dividing up the island into North and South, and then setting up a distillery. None of them remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

...AND...

The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.

 

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The definition of Heaven: A British home, an American Salary, Chinese food, a German car and a Latin lover.

The definition of Hell: A British lover, an American car, a Chinese home, German food and a Latin Salary

 

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IRISH

 

A very large, old, building was being demolished in a historic part of London, in order to make room for the construction of a modern office block. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be blown up and so had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 4th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small cupboard behind the lift shaft and decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the cupboard and showed them the skeleton, which was fully clothed and standing upright. They asked how long it would take for the Police to determine the skeleton's identity and were told that it might only be a few days because the teeth had numerous fillings, which would easily enable dental records to be consulted.

A week went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they just had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "We are the two construction workers who found the skeleton in the cupboard and we would like to know if it has been identified and whether it was somebody important".

The police replied "Well yes, in a way it was somebody important".

"Well, who was it?" they asked.

The reply was "Apparently it was a man named Shaun O'Halleran, who was the 1932 Irish National hide-and-seek Champion."

 

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